Omg!!! If he forgets to tell me one more time what I’m supposed to bring to his family Christmas I am going to scream!!!
In fact I’m NOT going,.. I’ve already decided!
How does he NOT get that I’m the one who looks like the idiot because it’s the woman’s job to prepare the food? (At least, that’s how I’ve been taught…”
This actually happened to me on multiple occasions and I would feel so small as his family would criticize him for being forgetful or always letting this happen.
The rushing around and get things together, not to mention my own family things to worry about… and then this!!!
During a holiday when things are supposed to be happy, it felt like too much. My stress level was through the roof, yet he acted like it was no big deal. “Who cares what they say?” he’d shrug.
Maybe he was used to them rolling their eyes at him because he’s the youngest — and at this point he really didn’t care about their opinion.
But what about me?
I do care!!!
I care about what they think of me — and I do ask him to find out what to bring — but somehow I end up feeling like a fool because he couldn’t care less.
These were the moments that made me not want to go at all.
I was actually convinced that his family made sure to tell him instead of me just so I would look stupid… smh.
They KNEW he wasn’t going to remember.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, then you’re in luck because I can help.
Let’s look at one key thing here that I said.
“I” felt stupid….
“I” wanted them to like me….
“I” cared about what they thought of me.
Although this looks like “his” issue, I was a big part of my own problem.
I was causing more stress for myself then I needed, over something I couldn’t control.
I can’t control what he does and it’s not my job to babysit him
And guess what…
He loves to fix a problem — it’s in his DNA.
If I had expressed to him how this was affecting me sooner, I probably could have saved myself YEARS of unwanted stress.
This happened mostly in the beginning of our marriage when I had no idea how to be a wife.
I was running my old made-up programming about what was expected of me.
So what would I say to the old me — the 16-year-old who had no idea what she was doing?
(Note: this goes to any woman who is new in a relationship, married or not married.)
I would say “relax — they already like you because you make him better.” (lol!)
That is why men choose to be with us… we make them better!!!
If you don’t make each other better, you should be reevaluate the relationship and ask yourself why you are there.
Knowing this one thing puts us in a very good spot because we have a secret power that motivates a man to want to be more than he could be without us.
I would also say to my younger self, “don’t sweat the small stuff.”
When you first get the feeling of panic about what to bring (or not bring), be very honest with what is happening inside you.
Honesty looks like:
Wow, I’m feeling my stomach tense up and my fists clench. These feelings are MY responsibility. It’s not “his fault” I feel this way. Wow, I’m amazing for being able to feel so much. What if I tried something different? How would THAT feel?
Be honest with what you’re feeling.
Say to him: “I can’t shake this feel of panic about the family gathering this weekend. I have no idea what they will want and what I’m expected to do. What should I do? Could you help me with this?”
Like I said before, men love to fix things. (Even, sometimes, if they don’t know how. I know you’re thinking about the last time he tried to fix the christmas lights outside — lol, he tried!) Right?!
And — no man is good at everything. Really we are looking for a man that puts in effort.
If he’s putting in effort and wants to fix a problem you bring him, then he’s a keeper. We can work with that.
Now if after you learn from me the ways to understand a man — AND how to express yourself in a more feminine way — and he STILL doesn’t listen or want to care about your needs… then we would have to look at things a little differently moving forward.
You’re Always Loved,